


I Want You To Know (So Many Things)

by Nihonkikuasa211



Category: Code Black (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Love Confessions, Miscommunication, Tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-07
Updated: 2016-02-07
Packaged: 2018-05-18 22:05:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5944849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nihonkikuasa211/pseuds/Nihonkikuasa211
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After signing the HR form, Christa will still not speak to Neal. A confession is made, and tears fall.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Want You To Know (So Many Things)

**Author's Note:**

> I don't believe the writers will address the slight angst/argument Neal and Christa had, so I decided to create my own fill-in-the-blank story. I don't know why I keep writing angst about these two. I love them so much, with angst or without angst. Hopefully by the end of the first series there will be a happy moment between those two, because we all know Christa will be insecure this Wednesday!

_I Want You To Know (So Many Things)_

“I turned in the paperwork. It should be beyond the board’s control.”

            Neal inwardly sighed as he was met with Christa’s silence. She was lying with her back turned to him, not looking at him when he began to speak. The attending was still wearing his scrubs, as was she, both of them too mentally and physically exhausted to even remove them. Carefully, Neal lowered himself onto the bed and closed his eyes for a moment. He remembered of how Christa had looked at him with faint shock and hurt at his hesitation at signing the HR form. _“I was upset at you.” You have every right to be, Christa._ The dark-haired attending thought of how his heart had surged with the feelings he had for this amazing woman, wanting to comfort her but knowing it was too soon. He had watched her with his face towards her, wishing to say the words but couldn’t.

            “I’m sorry.” His voice was hoarse, almost as if it was thick from sleep, and Neal silently took a breath as he willed Christa to – please – look at him. “I’m sorry if you thought I was...not ready for a relationship.”

            “Then why did you hesitate?” Christa slowly turned to him, his blond hair slightly undone and her eyes slightly red as Neal’s heart clenched painfully. _I never wanted to hurt you,_ the attending thought at the slightly lost look on Christa’s face. _I never wanted..._

“I was afraid.” The truth was hard, but Neal was able to admit it. His dark eyes watched as Christa’s blue eyes widened, surprise echoing within those eyes that Neal adored so much. “I have dated before, but these feelings that I have for you...” The dark-haired attending swallowed and blinked. “...Are deafening, and I _wanted_ to make certain that I didn’t make a mistake. Not of us,” Neal stated with a whisper, staring into Christa’s eyes, “but of if I was ready to give myself to you.” There was silence as his voice faded, and Neal took a risk to look at Christa. He could see understanding in her eyes, and Neal unconsciously pulled himself closer to her. “I’m sorry,” he whispered again.

            “Don’t be.” Christa’s voice was subdued but pensive and calm as Neal looked at her with slight surprise. “I presumed too much, Neal. I thought that you weren’t prepared for a relationship when you were seriously thinking about it – too seriously.” Her form slightly relaxed, and lightly took his darker hands in hers, stroking her thumb over his fingers. “I was thinking about the short-term – not about how it would affect us and what would happen with us.”

            “But –” Neal tried to say, when Christa put her finger over his lips gently and hushed him.

            “You signed the form, and didn’t break it off between us. That means you care for me, Neal.” The blond shifted closer to him, close enough now that the attending could see her inhale and exhale. “That doesn’t make me a little upset with you, though.”

            “It’s okay,” Neal muttered. Their chests touched, and Neal found himself drowning in Christa’s eyes. “It’s okay,” he repeated.

            Neal’s left hand lowered to Christa’s hair, and he started to gently stroke the fair strands. He felt Christa’s fingers move to his hands, and their fingers entwined as both of them looked at each other.

            “Christa...” Neal slightly hesitated, and his words began to falter in his mouth as he began to think of what he was going to say. The female resident squeezed his hand, as if reassuring him that it was okay. “Christa, I...” He licked his lips, and Neal fought to not close his eyes at the image of Gina lying dead on the gurney. “No matter what happens between us, I just want you to.... _know_ before I cannot say those words, or if I lose the function of my mind, and my body is the only thing that works.”

            Neal heaved his breath, attempting to keep control of the emotions as they started to lose control, losing himself in Christa’s face as his voice became faint as he started to speak.

            “I love you.” His breathing started to become slightly altered, and Neal fought the tears in his eyes as he stared at the beautiful, amazing, and _brilliant_ human being before him. “I saw of how Gina died, and I _couldn’t_ breathe at the thought of you lying there.” Christa’s hands stilled, and the resident’s blue orbs stared at the agonized expression on Neal’s face. She attempted to speak, but Neal cupped her cheek softly and pressed his nose to hers. Breath to breath, just like before.

           “I just...couldn’t stop thinking about it, of how it could have been _you_ in that locker room, with eight stab wounds and severe hemothorax...with your blood on the ground, staining the tiles.”

           “The CEO told me that I could have stopped the attack,” Christa whispered faintly. “If I had...” Her voice trailed at the expression of unadulterated rage on Neal’s face, his jaw tightening and his hand slightly shaking as he squeezed his eyes shut and breathed deeply. _The bloody fool,_ Neal thought furiously at the CEO. Never before, not even to his own father, had he wanted to punch someone so badly. _She would have_ died _if –!_

         “It is enough that Gina died,” Neal stated thinly, “and Malaya bruised and injured.” His hand gently stroked Christa’s face. “But you...you are irreplaceable.” His forehead touched hers. Greif and something else was thick in his voice. “I love you, Christa Lorenson.”

         “I love you.”

         His now ragged breathing echoed in his ears, and Neal swallowed as he felt a sharp pain in his eyes. Christa’s forehead continued to brush against his own, and their breathing remained the only sound for many moments.

        “I remember,” Christa stated faintly as her hands wrapped around Neal’s waist, “of Logan, the patient who wanted to die. The one that had a DNR order.” She licked her lips and paused for a moment, as if remembering the time that she had disobeyed and attempted to bring him back before Neal had told her to stop. “His wife was in so much pain, and yet she was able to not do what I did. I don’t know if I...” A hash gasp emerged from Christa’s lips, and Neal felt her grip on his waist tighten. “I don’t know if I could have made that decision. I don’t know if I would ever be able to let you go because I _never_ want to let you go. She was so _very_ brave, and I do not believe I could even...” The resident swallowed harshly, and placed her lips in the center of Neal’s hair. It was a loving gesture, so full of so many feelings, as Christa lowered her lips on his hair and the feeling stayed for more than several moments.

       “I love you, Neal Hudson. I love you so very much.”

       Neal remembered the peaceful feeling after their first night together – nothing but bliss a he felt himself kiss Christa again, feeling her warmth against him as he felt her smile. Neal could feel her lips caress his own as her other hand cupped the back of his head, soothing him of his hurts, and he kissed her back, so patiently and lovingly with every feeling he had.

      He didn’t realize he was crying until he felt the tears against Christa’s lips, and the attending felt the tears spill over as a faint sob escaped from him. Christa continued to hold him, her gentle hands combing his hair and softly humming into his ears as both of them started to cry in each other’s arms.


End file.
